How HGTV has ruined my life.

I am a fanatic HGTV watcher.

House Hunters? OUT OF THIS WORLD!

Divine Design with Candice Olson? BITCH IS CRAZY BUT HER FINAL MAKEOVERS ARE BREATH TAKING!

Even Design on a Dime can work wonders.

But HGTV has sent me into a downwards spiral of expecting amazing things to happen within, at the very most, a one hour time span, and, basically, for free.

*sighs*

Unfortunately, I’m beginning to realize that that is not always the case.

My husband and I bought a house a little less than a year ago. It was a foreclosure, so the price was right. It was a good space, has a huge front porch, and a big backyard for the pups. An amazing starter home.

But some things had to be done. There was peach on every wall. There was disgusting mildewed carpet that professional cleanings weren’t fixing. And there was HGTV telling me that I could do it all, all by myself, with no money!

We painted every room but one, the one that wasn’t painted peach. We had new carpet installed, which cost far more than HGTV ever let on. We painted the cabinets in the kitchen and added new hardware. We put a fence up in the backyard, the price almost made me faint. And with our stimulus, thanks Papa Barack, we got the sectional I have literally wanted for years and a huge area rug which lessens the impact of our adorable yet filthy animals on our fancy white (yes, i’m an idiot) carpet.

But then I watch HGTV and I see so much more that needs to be done. We need a new bedroom set. Wait, scratch that, we need A bedroom set. In fact, we need a bedroom like this:

Do you see how all the tones are muted, yet together they make a statement? It’s a quiet, tranquil place. A retreat from the rest of my hectic everyday life.

It’s all the things I didn’t even realize a bedroom was supposed to be until I started watching HGTV. It is also one of crazy ass candace olsen’s creations. And this is why I love her. 

And if she’s reading this somehow, someway, I would love for her to come to my home, pro bono, and make my bedroom a masterpiece. It can be taped and made a complete tax write off. Please?

Anyway, I know it’ll be awhile until we’re there. With baby on the way, the only furniture we’re thinking about is that which will be in the nursery. Although the husband says he’ll just clear out one of his drawers and the baby can sleep in there. Because, damnit, we’re good parents.

But one day, I will have the house of my dreams. I will have that bedroom. Our bedroom now is a little too small, which is why I fantasize about expanding onto the back of the house, converting the attic that basically runs the entire length of the house into the greatest master suite known to man, this may have to be by way of raising the roof, literally, a few feet, and maybe even adding a deck to the new second story. All of this will give me room to change our current master into a formal dining room, for all of the entertaining we will one day be doing, changing the back room into the laundry room, and having two bedrooms with a jack and jill bathroom added to the first floor. Even better, make our house three stories, nothing but living area at the bottom, two large bedrooms with the jack and jill bathroom on the second level, with my husband’s much needed man room, and then, on the very top, the piece de resistance: a candace olsen master suite.

All done in an hour and paid for by a network.

Wait a second, I do nice things, think I can get on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition?

~ by nubianxess on August 13, 2009.