Thinking Thoughts is Hard

I have always been one to have a jillion thoughts racing through my head at once. That’s one of the reasons my panic disorder can get so debilitating at times.

How are we going to pay for this? I hate my job. Did I leave my flat iron on? What is the mass appeal of Gossip Girl? How could my ass have possibly gotten fatter? Will Speidi ever break up? Should I get the salad or the burger and chocolate shake? What if there’s a gas leak and I come home to two dead dogs and a very dead hamster? My new check card expires in 2013, but the world is going to end in 2012, will it still be valid?We’re all going to die and there’s not a thing I can do about it.

Then the panic attack sets in.

But lately, lately, I have been drawing the most unusual, chronic blanks. I have never had this happen when it comes to the category of simple thought.

There are few if any swimming in this head of mine.

And I’m not quite sure how I feel about it.

I have heard of this happening. I have heard that, while pregnant, women begin to get forgetful. And the further along you are, the more you just sort of stop thinking about things. By the middle of your 3rd trimester, you’re basically useless.

There’s some scientific notion that this was a way for a mother and child to start bonding before the baby’s here. Basically the mom retreats into some… I don’t know, metaphorical cave, stops worrying (really, thinking) about the world around her and it’s just her and baby.

All well and good. And I was prepared for that to happen, but good lord, I’m barely into my second trimester and I’m already borderline retarded. I can’t remember anything. Words escape me. I walk into rooms not knowing why about 9834 times a day. I can only focus on 1/2 a thing at a time.

Multitasking is some unknown concept.

I do know that sometimes trauma can have this affect on you as well. And events of the last week can definitely be thrown under the trauma category, but I’ve been through this before. And THIS has never been the result.

But you know what?

I think a part of me is reveling in it. Sure I’m frustrated that it takes me a minute and a half to remember the word “reveling” but I also like that in the last four months, I’ve probably only thought about the utter destruction of this small planet… five times?

It’s usually five times a day.

So does that mean I win?

I’m not sure. I like not having this constant fear of doom upon my head. I like being able to go to sleep without two hours of never ending questions that can never be answered or solved. Especially not by a 25 year old woman just praying for sweet sleep while worrying about Little Kim from N. Korea and whether or not he’s really sickly, or if he’s just parading around his android while he’s hidden in a cave somewhere… getting stronger… faster…

But I highly doubt this change is permanent. I know some people say that after pregnancy your hormones sort of reset. You go back to the days of 12 hour pms and quick, fun periods.

I don’t know if resetting my hormones will erase roughly the last decade worrying about… everything I have no control over. I just can’t imagine lying in bed at night and not worrying at least once every few months about what would happen if the ceiling fell in on top of me AT THAT VERY SECOND and then worry about it so much, I seriously contemplate sleeping on the couch.

I suppose, while writing this entry, I have come to the conclusion to embrace this vacation from what has become my reality. Forgive me if entries become infrequent and not quite worded as before. Know I mean the word “doubt” even if I spell is “dought.” Still smile and wave at me when you see me out in public, even if I look at you as if I don’t know who you are. If you’re not sure if it’s me or not, I will be the one walking up and down the aisles at the grocery store, not buying anything, just smiling and touching things. Fear not. I’m not necessarily “high” as much as “with child”.

I had a brilliantly clever way of closing this entry, but I forgot it.

-krystle

~ by nubianxess on July 15, 2009.